Shame is a Lie

Guilt and shame, while connected, are not at all the same. The feeling of guilt is one of regret or remorse over a choice or action that, looking back one wishes they had not made. Guilt is not just a feeling; it is also a state or fact. If a person made a choice, carried out an action – they are guilty of that action. The feeling of guilt may or may not accompany the reality of guilt. Sometimes someone feels no sense or regret or remorse over something they did and so they don’t have a feeling of being guilty.

Guilt is often followed by a feeling of shame, but it is different. Guilt acknowledges the difference or disparity between what you did and what you wish you had done instead or the experience of the result or consequence of your choice(s). Shame internalizes the feeling of guilt in an accusing way. Where guilt says “you made a wrong choice”, or “you did a bad thing”. The voice of shame says, “You are wrong. You are bad”. Shame is an identity statement whereas guilt is an acknowledgement.

There is also a difference in feeling shame and feeling ashamed. A person can feel ashamed of someone else or of the choices someone else is making. They are embarrassed or wanting to create a distance between themselves and the actions or choices they are ashamed of. A common phrase dealing with shame is this: “You should be ashamed of yourself!” or “Shame on you!”. These phrases really have more to do with the person saying them than they do the person they are speaking to. The person speaking is ashamed and they are telling the person they are speaking to that they should feel badly because their action or choice was shameful in some way. This can be a very damaging thing to say to someone, because of how shame is an accusation against the identity of a person. 

I believe that each of us are much more than the sum of what we have done or are capable of doing. We are more than what has been done to us. As individual, uniquely created people, we are much more than an accumulation of choices. Each of us has a spirit and soul, we have talents, abilities, dreams and strengths. We have the potential to give and love, just as we each have the potential to be selfish, hateful or destructive. We all make mistakes and bad choices at times. But those mistakes are not who we are. 

I believe that shame is a lie, because shame is an invitation to believe in a wrong identity. When someone makes a mistake, it doesn’t mean that they are a mistake. Just like when you make a mess, it doesn’t mean that you are a mess! Shame communicates that a person is the bad that they have done. Shame elevates the mistake above any good potential. 

It is helpful to remember that shame must be received or agreed with. If someone shames another person, it is an invitation for them to feel ashamed. But they can also refuse that invitation! When you feel a hint of shame about something you have done that you regret, you can remind yourself of what is true about your identity. You can ask yourself if there is anything you can do to rectify the bad choice or make amends. If so, do it! If not, forgive yourself, focus on your strengths and don’t allow yourself to sink deeper into shame. Instead encourage yourself with who you truly are. It can be a powerful process to acknowledge wrongdoing, forgive yourself and then allow yourself to be free of punishing yourself.

Remember that God doesn’t shame people. Even with His sinlessness, glory and limitless power; God does not shame those who fall short of His standard of holiness. God made a way, in Jesus, for us to be fully accepted, loved and welcomed into the fullness of relationship with Him. There is no shame in God’s love for us. He is not ashamed of our shortcomings, nor does He invite us to be ashamed. It is quite the opposite, in fact! He lavishly extends forgiveness and encourages us to do the same for ourselves. God’s invitation is that we would see ourselves through His lens; through love! He forgives and redeems us. If a perfect God extends grace and love in this way, how do we then punish ourselves with shame?

You are more than your biggest mistake! You are more than a sum of your weaknesses and failings! Just as you are more than all your combined strengths. I encourage you to refuse shame. Sometimes the feeling of guilt can be a healthy indicator of where we need to receive God’s grace and love. Instead of moving into shame, step into grace instead. Process the reasons you feel guilty and are tempted to feel shame. Let yourself grieve the bad choice and then forgive and receive love.

Don’t imprison yourself in shame.

Refuse the lie of shame’s assessment of you.

Choose love instead.

Love heals and moves us forward.