Reflections of 52 years – My Exodus & Promised Land

 

What a joy to turn 52 years old!  I live life surrounded by amazing people, full of adventure, growth and challenges. I stand on a foundation, years in the making, of evidence of the goodness and faithfulness of God. I am grateful for the view from this point in my life. I look back and see all I have learned, how I’ve grown and what I’ve overcome. I look to the future with hope and determination to see the redemption of all that is unresolved or painful now.

My history, these 52 years I’ve lived so far are such a mixture, but in it all I see the constant pursuit of God. He persisted in pursuing me. I see His love, convincing me. I see my choices; first to run and hide. My choice to despair and try to earn my rescue. I see my season of giving up and the dark, tear and blood stained tries of brokenness and pain when I let unworthiness overwhelm me. I see God’s pursuit; His unrelenting and fierce love for me.  He never gave up on me. I did, but He did not. Even at my lowest point, there was a glimmer of hope on my distant horizon – “what if?”. That dim light beckoned me; “what if there is hope, even for me? What if there is more?”

That glimmer of light, I believe now, was the result of prayers from those who loved me and had faith in God’s redemption. God never gave up, never let that ray of hope slip below my horizon. He kept bringing me people that spoke hope and truth to me; not letting me give up or yield to the darkest voices that counseled me in fear and shame.

That was my slavery, shame and fear. I settled for it, believing that I had lost my chance at anything more. I wanted to hope for more, but believed the lies that I was no longer worth it. I was captive. But Jesus walked in and called me out. I heard His truth and love differently at that time in my life because I saw it lived out in those around me. I had new friends who wanted to know all of me, not just the outside, easy parts. I started to question my captors. I was growing stronger and restless within the confines of my low self-worth. Once I tasted a bit of true acceptance, I wanted more. My courage grew and I began to follow Jesus out of shame and fear.

My “red sea” was a decision to walk away from what I believed to be my only chance at love. My boyfriend since high school was honorable and I loved him. But he loved the parts of me he liked and partnered with my own voice of shame over the parts of me that I wanted to hide. I had believed that this was “good enough” and I was grateful. But there was a day when I dared to believe that even a victim of rape was worthy of love and a future. I had begun to believe that I was not just a victim who would wear a label for the rest of my life. I wanted to overcome; I wanted to thrive!

This was my land of promise – love that didn’t need to ignore or tuck safely away the ugly parts of my history. Life lived without shame; unafraid of what others would think if they knew.  I dared to believe that there wasn’t a different standard of love and possibility for me because of a past that included abuse and promiscuity. I was intrigued by God’s promise to bring joy and beauty from places of loss and sorrow.

Leaving what was known and risking for what I hoped could be true for me was like Israel crossing the Red Sea. It was my first great step toward the promise. The angry accusations of fear and shame from my past rushed up behind me, calling me back to captivity. I questioned my resolve to leave what I had known. Was I walking away from my only chance at love and a future family? Would anyone love all of me? Was it truly possible to be healed and made whole after all I had endured? I had defined myself by all the wrong that had been done to me and all the wrong I felt I had done. It was hard to believe in this “promised land” of freedom, healing, wholeness and love that would accept me as I was and allow me to grow from there.

There was a wilderness time for me as well. It was not all easy and I did some wandering. There were giants in my promised land! Trusting God with my future and taking a few tentative steps towards it, was not enough to occupy the promised land of new identity. I had to face the enemies of self-doubt and trust God with restoring me. I had to allow Him to provide for me and not strive to do it my way. I had to learn to see myself the way that God saw me, to be open to loving myself. I had to tear down the walls of self-protection and security that I had built around myself. Walls of fear and control. Surrendering to God took more faith than I thought I possessed. I had to grow into that surrender and growth took time.

But God was faithful and little by little the strongholds came down and my victories increased. I forgave and received forgiveness. I found love and acceptance. I began to love myself. I overcame fear and unworthiness. Like the Israelites walked in faith around the walls of Jericho for days until they experienced victory, I too walked in obedience, believing God at His word to me. I saw walls come down: walls of bitterness and judgement, of pain and the sorrow of loss, walls of shame, fear and hiddenness. God restored my innocence and healed my brokenness. He set me free to hope and dream again. He gave me love and a family. God brought me into victory over depression, infertility and claustrophobia.

My testimonies of God’s faithfulness are like the monument of stones the Israelites built after crossing the Jordan river to enter the promised land. I have stones of betrayal, loss, sorrow, disappointment, physical pain, emotional pain, relationship loss, …. And each one has a story of rescue, healing, comfort and growth. Each one is evidence of the goodness and faithfulness of God. Stones of remembrance and celebration – not of the hardship, but of the overcoming. God has woven those places of pain and adversity into the tapestry of my life. Together with all the beauty, joy, love, laughter and wonder of life; these testimonies of overcoming and healing bring strength and resilience to me and my history.

52 years – I stand and look back at all I’ve overcome by the grace and goodness of God. I see my stones of testimony, each one telling the story of victory and adversity overcome. I see all the numbers of my life; 28 years married, 4 sons, years in ministry, years as pastors. I see the people of my life; those close and far away, and those who witness my life from heaven. I see how I have changed and grown. I see the foundation all of this has formed. I stand.

I celebrate my past; the good, the difficult and everything in-between. I smile over the peace I feel as I recall the days that grew to years and decades. I feel myself thriving as I remember the temptation to settle for survival. I marvel at the courage I had to take the risks, believing in the promise of what was to come. The reward and blessing for those risks overwhelm me. I have lived within the miracle of transformation and redemption. I have experienced the exchange of sorrow for joy, beauty for ashes and seen life spring up from what was once dead.

I look to my future with hope and determination to live with the strength and wisdom I have gathered. I have so much more I want to see, experience and do. There is so much growth that is still needed in me – for myself and for those who I love so dearly. I want it all! 

I stand in my promised land, grateful for the journey up to now. I stand with my eyes on the light of hope on my horizon. There is so much more. I am well on my way!