Refusing to Die Slowly



I wrote this “poem of decision” during a time of personal anguish. I am determined not to reduce the level of my expectations to the reality of what I and my family are experiencing.  There is a cost to self-protection, it is a cost I am unwilling to pay!

I will not fear disappointment
My hope will not be sacrificed on the altar of safety and self-protection
I am willing to pay the price of sorrow
Confident that I will find my way back to hope
I have been here before, walked the tightrope of guarded expectations
Bore the callouses of hardening myself to hope
My valiant attempt to avoid pain

So afraid of disappointment, I tethered my hope and dared not dream
It robbed my joy, emptied me of peace
Isolated me from love and wonder
Slowly, I suffocated in air toxic with fear
Hollow and void of color - a mere shell of my former self
No More!
 
My hope is worth much more
I will not fear disappointment, pain or even fear itself
I stay soft, open – my hope unhindered
It may hurt – but I will heal
It may cost – but I will live to reap a greater reward
 
Alive in wonder, my color returns despite the looming darkness
I will live to hope again
To dream again
– I am alive



I would also like to share another “Vignette”, written on the same day as the poem above:

Miracle
Today we need a miracle
The impossibility looms, occupies the horizon
A weighty darkness
So many possible outcomes
Only one shines with hope
We believe in miracles
Miracle Worker
    I let my hopes soar high above my fears
Over the sea of past disappointment
I wait in the wonder of
    Possible
Today may be our day
    Our miracle

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Invitation

Image
  Peace stood quietly Called to me by name An invitation Just outside the border of my chaos Mind in over-drive My effort to solve, understand and achieve           It was not an evaluation           There was no accusation           His arms were out           Palms up           An invitation Peace called to me And I could answer and go Or I could stay           Peace would not enter my swirling chaos           There was no place for him to stand           To be with Peace, I had to leave           Step out of my mess of striving           To choose Peace stood quietly And called to me by name Invitation Peace invited me to stand At the border of my mind        ...
Read more

Faith that Protects You

Image
  I’ve been thinking of faith and our response to doubt and fear. We all have questions that we cannot answer and doubts that threaten to erode the confidence of our faith. Fear too is common. Sometimes our fears are big and limit our ability to function, other times fear is quiet and we attempt to cover it with action and bold declarations. What is a faith-filled response to these enemies of faith? Ephesians 6 talks about the armor of God and the fiery arrows of the enemy. Faith is the shield we hold up that, according to Paul, extinguishes all the  flaming arrows of the evil one.   (Ephesians 6:16)   I’ve been pondering how exactly that works. If faith is a shield, it stands between you and the enemy’s attack. The arrows shot by the enemy are intended to hit us! Jesus said in John 10:10 that the enemy comes to rob, kill and destroy . Our enemy, satan, intends to kill or at least injure us! But the second half of that verse is that Jesus came to give l...
Read more

Love Already Won

Image
I believe that this is what true love is: a determined choice to grow with someone, to decide in advance that you will forgive and persevere. Love is willing to grow, change and become TOGETHER, to give yourself fully and receive someone as a precious gift.   Love decides in advance to remain close amid adversity, to hold on and believe that victory is coming.  I wrote this for my husband, it is personal...and yet it is general too. These are the words I hear love speaking whether to a spouse, child, parent or friend.  THIS is the love I pray each person experiences.  I have already decided I’ve made up my mind I love you I want you I will be by your side We will change and grow But this truth will never change: I trust you I celebrate you I am proud to stand by your side You have made mistakes; so have I We have been angry, made bad choices and worked through the messes we’ve caused We have forgiven We have comforted and loved We hav...
Read more