Refusing to Die Slowly



I wrote this “poem of decision” during a time of personal anguish. I am determined not to reduce the level of my expectations to the reality of what I and my family are experiencing.  There is a cost to self-protection, it is a cost I am unwilling to pay!

I will not fear disappointment
My hope will not be sacrificed on the altar of safety and self-protection
I am willing to pay the price of sorrow
Confident that I will find my way back to hope
I have been here before, walked the tightrope of guarded expectations
Bore the callouses of hardening myself to hope
My valiant attempt to avoid pain

So afraid of disappointment, I tethered my hope and dared not dream
It robbed my joy, emptied me of peace
Isolated me from love and wonder
Slowly, I suffocated in air toxic with fear
Hollow and void of color - a mere shell of my former self
No More!
 
My hope is worth much more
I will not fear disappointment, pain or even fear itself
I stay soft, open – my hope unhindered
It may hurt – but I will heal
It may cost – but I will live to reap a greater reward
 
Alive in wonder, my color returns despite the looming darkness
I will live to hope again
To dream again
– I am alive



I would also like to share another “Vignette”, written on the same day as the poem above:

Miracle
Today we need a miracle
The impossibility looms, occupies the horizon
A weighty darkness
So many possible outcomes
Only one shines with hope
We believe in miracles
Miracle Worker
    I let my hopes soar high above my fears
Over the sea of past disappointment
I wait in the wonder of
    Possible
Today may be our day
    Our miracle

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