Set Yourself Free

Forgiving others is hard enough. Yet often it is so difficult to forgive yourself as well. It is a step we try to skip, a puzzle we’d rather not face. Some of us do penance; a little self-inflicted punishment that we feel is well deserved and hope is effective in preventing further pain. We have determined that punishment is in fact what we deserve, certainly not grace, surely not love or tenderness. We may be called up to forgive another, and may even see the value to ourselves. I set them free from my evaluation, my anger, and my hate. I choose to forgive them and know that doing so is beneficial to me as well.

But often, even when someone has suffered abuse, forgiving others is not the deepest step of healing. It may seem counterintuitive, but to forgive yourself is often a deeper, more difficult thing. To forgive yourself is a vulnerable thing. It is complex because it involves both giving and receiving.

When you forgive someone who has hurt you, you are extending them grace and mercy. You are setting them free from your judgment and evaluation. You sever the tie that holds you to them. You surrender your anger and while you may never like them, accept them or value them. Forgiveness is a determined choice to not identify yourself by your hatred or evaluation of that person. In forgiveness, you identify yourself separately from them and the hurt they caused you. The person you are forgiving may never know that you are forgiving them. You may never re-establish a relationship with them again because of safety (whether physical, emotional, or both), but in the choice to forgive them, you give yourself a new start. In this new beginning, you are defined by your response and your life moving forward instead of remaining tied to your past with them.

SO  - when we consider forgiving ourselves, we are on both the giving and receiving sides of that same transaction. Herein lies the great challenge of forgiving yourself!  You give yourself grace and you must believe that you are deserving and able to receive it!

Forgiving yourself is a choice to not hold your past self, accountable to all that you know and understand now. It is extending grace to yourself to no longer evaluate what you did or failed to do that may have caused, contributed to, or resulted in the pain that you experienced. When you forgive yourself, you release yourself from the guilt of you have accepted. You decide to no longer punish yourself or receive punishment for past choices.

This choice for freedom must also be received. Often, we are not convinced that we deserve the grace of forgiveness. It can be easier to live with the pain of guilt and shame than to value ourselves enough to receive forgiveness. We may have become more comfortable punishing than loving ourselves.

Just as forgiving someone else is a gift of freedom to the one who forgives; so is forgiving yourself a gift. You set yourself free of self-hatred, evaluation and guilt. You sever the tie that brings bondage to the past and limits your ability to live well in the present and into your future. To forgive yourself is to value your future and your potential more than any benefit that can come from punishing yourself. When you forgive yourself, you choose to know yourself, not by your mistakes and failings, but by your potential and your heart. This choice focuses your eyes on your future and no longer defines you based on your past. It is freedom to live and continue to grow and become.

Just as in forgiving others, forgiving yourself does not mean acceptance or approval. It is not a denial of what happened, nor of the pain that was caused. It is a decision made in full awareness and ownership to no longer require payment for the past, to cease evaluation, hatred, and anger. Forgiveness is a choice to redefine yourself based on your current response and your choice for your own future. To be free from being held to past events and the effects of them. Forgiveness is about the future and becoming something new and stronger. That is true when you receive forgiveness from yourself too.

To forgive yourself is to value the person you are becoming more than trying to punish the person you have been. It is a choice to begin anew; to live for growth and restoration. To allow yourself the potential to become more than your mistakes. To forgive yourself and receive that grace deeply is to believe that you are more than all the mistakes you’ve made, all the hurt that you’ve suffered and to press on to see the promise your future holds.