"Colors of My Soul" my 30 year old poems

I started college in 1992 and also met the man I would marry that year. It was a time of growth and transformation for me. I was processing a lot of pain and doing the inner work of defining myself outside of the trauma I had experienced in high school. During my first year of college, I began to pursue God and found inner peace and healing to depths I had not previously believed were possible. All the while, my future husband and I were becoming good friends. I journaled a lot in those days and also wrote poems. I used poetry to express my hopes, fears, and dreams. My poems from those days were often directed to God. 

One thing I did in my fifth and last year of college was to collect all the poems I could find that I had written and assemble them into a homemade book. I titled it "Colors of My Soul" and made a cover with watercolor prints of leaves. I gave the book as a gift to my fiancé. We began dating during my fourth year of college and married the summer following my graduation. Only a couple of the poems in the book were written for him. I wanted to give them to him as a symbol of trusting him with all of who I was and who I was still becoming. Some of them were rather "dark", full of sadness, pain, and doubts. Others were much more hopeful and full of life. Still others showed the choice or transition between the two. 

Today I'm looking back and sharing a few of these poems from my past.

"Alone with God"
October 30, 1993

He isn't asking me to win
He isn't telling me to fight
    He's not waiting for me to figure things out
    He is waiting for me to seek him
            to want him
            to need him
He is waiting for me to reach up my hand 
    lift up my face
            to see him
            to want him
He will pick me up
He will carry me
He will guide me
    and with Him we will win

Untitled :  August 8, 1994

My future is so unclear

Will someone ever find my here,

in my darkness and my pain?

Is there someone to fill what now lays empty?

Is there someone who

can mend my deepest wounds

stop the bleeding and the pain....

Turn my weeping heart up again

and fill it with a holy love?

Is there joy?

Is there love"

....for me out there...

Is there a smile inside this frown?

Is there anyone who can paint my fading rainbow?

Is there a moment of gold?

Rainbow Maker,

is there anyone for me,

who will add color to my soul?

"Let the Walls Come Down"

summer 1995

Let the walls come down

Let Jesus flow in

What are you protecting

What do you have that was not given to you

Who are you shielding

Who is not a child of God and in His own care

Let the Walls Come Down

Let Jesus' love flow in

What are you afraid of

Do you believe you are to be hurt by your God

Why do you hide yourself

Do you not see the creation He has made to love

Let the Walls Come Down

Let the will of God flow in

Will He lead you astray

Why do you choose your will

Are not His ways higher than your own

Is not His love greater than your own

Let the Walls Come Down

Let the blessings of God flow in

Why do you hold onto the gifts you have been given

Who would He take them from you

why do you fear for your future

Does the Lord not have beautiful plans for you

Let the Walls Come Down

Give it all back to Jesus

Let the Walls Come Down

Stand Quietly

Let Jesus Rush In

Let the Walls Come Down

Stand Naked

Let Jesus Wash and Clothe you

Let the Walls Come Down

Stand as you have been created

Let Jesus Love You