Exchange Understanding for Peace

For me, being understood is one of my greatest desires in friendship.  Equally as strong is my desire to understand the other person.  Understanding requires listening carefully, asking good questions, considering verbal and nonverbal communication. But getting to a point of understanding is not always easy.  I am willing to work, to persevere through misunderstanding, hurt and frustration to get to a place of resolve.  The worst thing for me in friendship is feeling the distance of misunderstanding and unresolved pain.

I realize that I am often dependent on understanding in order to experience peace in relationships.  I rely on feeling understood by someone and feeling like I can understand them to feel anchored and secure in our friendship. Agreement is not nearly as strong a need in me.  I am not threatened, nor do I feel that friendship is weakened by disagreement, as long as there is mutual understanding of both points of view.

The greatest challenge is when coming to a place of understanding seems impossible, or when friends become estranged and are no longer working towards understanding.  What do you do then?  I have experienced the pain of this and the weight of that loss is difficult to bear.

Recently, as I considered this I was confronted with the promise of peace in scripture.  Philippians 4:6-7 says this: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  The promise here is an exchange of anxiety for peace that transcends understanding.  Another way of translating the promise is this: And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension.  This is an amazing peace!

I have found that I have a choice:  I can pursue and “require” understanding, or I can “surrender” to peace.  It is a choice of one or the other, not both.  The desire for understanding can become a driving hunger, especially when hurt feelings, betrayal or loss is involved.  I have been defensive about my “right” for understanding in places of conflict in friendship.  I have felt that the person, owes me an explanation and that without it, I cannot move on or come to a place of peace.

The promise of God to bring peace confronts this stance.  If there truly is a peace that transcends or surpasses understanding, shouldn’t that be the more desirable choice?

To enjoy the peace promised in Philippians, I must surrender my need or right to understand.  This is not always easy!  It is hard to lay that down.  It can feel like a loss at times to stop pursuing understanding.  To change the direction of my pursuit requires me to surrender any anger and demand for answers.  That can feel like defeat, which is humbling. 

But peace is the reward!  The promise in scripture is that the peace gained in the process is deeper, and greater than understanding would ever be.  In order to experience that, it is necessary to change the direction of my pursuit.  In the context of friendship, it means to choose to set the person free of my demand that they provide answers to my questions and even my pain.  I turn away from that pursuit and turn towards another.  The pursuit of peace, well-being and wholeness … even with unanswered questions.

The scripture I quoted earlier continues: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8

This further instruction shows me how I maintain the peace that is greater than understanding.  When I choose to exchange my anxiety for God’s peace, I then maintain it by the disciplined choice of what I focus on.  When I bring my anxious thoughts and circumstances to God in prayer, I choose to focus on Him.  I trust in His ability and willingness to hear and respond to my requests and needs.  The scripture instructs us to do this with thanksgiving.  This is critical, as it focuses my attention on what God is doing and how He has provided.  The promise is that as I bring anxiety to Him in this way, I receive peace in return.  The peace I am promised transcends understanding. The next verse instructs that I am not to return my thoughts to the circumstances that initially caused the anxiety, but rather I am to change my focus to the things that are pure, praiseworthy and excellent.

I sometimes needlessly settle for anxiety, when I could exchange it for peace instead.  It may cost me the pursuit of understanding, but the reward of peace is greater and deeper, more fulfilling and lasting.  I find that the promise of peace is true.  When I choose to surrender my need to understand and find rest in the peace of God, the desire to understand is diminished and unnecessary. I am then free to enjoy and be strengthened by the goodness that surrounds me. 

It is a worthy exchange!