Weighing or Building? - Love is a Total Gain

 

I used to try to hide the parts of me I felt were unlovable. I knew love wasn’t something to earn; not a reward to be granted. But still I believed that my chances at being loved and accepted were both helped and hindered by various aspects of who I am. We all have strengths alongside our weaknesses and it is natural to want to show our strengths while minimizing our weaknesses. There are things we are proud of and others we are ashamed of.

I viewed the parts of me that I was ashamed of as liabilities. They were the heavy encumbrances that I dragged along behind me and hoped others did not see or notice. To be loved, I thought I need to hide or at least minimize these things. To let them be seen increased my chances of being disqualified or dismissed immediately. Who would want me, with all this baggage included? I was convinced that the good and admirable things in me were overshadowed and overwhelmed by the liabilities.

I viewed love as a scale, a balance.

The good of me on one side: my strengths, talents, abilities and accomplishments. The parts of me that others liked, with the few things of myself that I liked; they were measured on one side of the scale. On the other side was the opposite; all the embarrassing, shameful things, together with my weaknesses and failings. There was no question in my mind that the scale would tip towards unworthy, unlovable, unacceptable … There just wasn’t enough on the positive side to balance out the negative.

When you get in a car accident the damage to your car is evaluated to determine if it is worth fixing. They consider the cost to repair the damage and restore the car to its previous working condition. Both the engine and the body of the car are considered in this estimate. The goal is that the car would function, but also that its appearance would be restored. The total cost of repair and restoration is estimated and put on one side of the scale. On the other side is the estimate of what that vehicle is worth at that time if it were undamaged. If the cost of repairing and restoring the vehicle are greater than what the vehicle is worth, it is declared a “total loss”. People say that their car was “totaled” after the accident, meaning it was not worth fixing.

Looking back at how I used to think of myself, I think I was afraid that if all my secrets were known, if someone really saw all of me, that I would be declared a “total loss”.

But love isn’t a scale that measures the good and bad! Love isn’t about hiding, liabilities, and balancing the cost. Love is a force of change. Love builds and transforms.

For me the love I found in God was unlike anything I had ever encountered. The potential and goodness of love available in God overwhelmed all that was overwhelming me. God’s heart overshadowed and outweighed all the encumbrances and liabilities I was trying to hide and compensate for.

Love doesn’t measure the good and bad to determine if your worthy. Love builds and heals. Love changes and grows. Love decides and perseveres.

What I saw as liabilities, God saw as potential. He looked at what I saw as failings and weaknesses and saw what could become of those areas. He saw what I was ashamed of through eyes of love and confidence. God is confident of His ability to restore and redeem. God surveys the landscape of my life; past, present and future and sees it all though His lens of His promise and power. He is building something, not measuring potential against loss. Even the places where I am most ashamed or hopeless, He is full of confident, determined hope. He knew what He would do in each of those areas. When God looks at me, He sees what He is building.

A chef looks at the ingredients they have and designs a recipe of something to create with them. They are confident at the beginning that it will be delicious. They know how to add seasonings and complimentary ingredients to bring out the best flavor and presentation possible. The end result is far more than any one ingredient on its own.

I have found that love is like that process. God has created something with all the ingredients in my life and made something that I couldn’t see. In the days when I was trying to hide and cover the parts of me and my past that I didn’t like, I didn’t have a vision for how I could be restored. But God did. His loved changed me and created something with all the ingredients He had. He took my weaknesses along with my strengths and added His power and love. He used my abilities to strengthen me and brought me to a place that I could trust Him with the places of deep shame. Those hidden wounds were healed and transformed into new strengths and testimonies of His grace. I became more than a sum of what I was pleased with or proud of.

By the power of God’s love, the things on both sides of the scale were used to build and create a story of redemption and love. Love allowed me to trust and receive the process of change and growth. Receiving that love from God allowed me to love and accept myself and to receive love from others as well.

Love is a total gain! Scripture says that with God, all things are possible. Love restores what is a loss and turns it to victory. Love allows for the exposure and healing of hiddenness and shame. Love builds!