Worth the Risk

 

Today I am sharing a poem I wrote 28 years ago, in the summer of 1994.  Early in that year I had ended my relationship with the young man I had been dating for nearly four years and had expected to marry. He was an amazing person and in many ways our relationship was wonderful.  We had dated my last two years of high school and made it through my first year of college and into the second.  He knew the hard, painful secrets of my past – that the boyfriend I had as a freshman in high school had beat me, raped me – that while some of the rumors whispered in the halls of our small high school were untrue, many were true.  He knew I was running away from that past, from the shame of it and forging a new version of myself.  He was one of the only parts of my past that I wanted to carry into the future. 

I was trying to forget my past, but found doing so impossible.  It is too long a story to tell, but instead of forgetting my past I ended up facing it, walking through it and into healing and wholeness on the other side.  I thought my boyfriend would be part of that journey with me.  But he wanted to forget my past more than he wanted to see me healed, and so I said goodbye.  It was the hardest decision I had made up to that point in my life.  Still, all these years later, I am so grateful, so proud of my courage and determination to end something beautiful because I believed I deserved something better.

I wanted to be loved by someone who could look at all of me and love me.  I didn’t want to have to pretend that certain things weren’t true or never happened.  I wanted to believe that I could heal and be whole again, and I wanted someone to be on that journey with me.  Once I was freed of shame myself, I couldn’t live knowing that someone who loved most of me was also deeply ashamed of part of me.

But being alone was not easy. This poem was written in the time of loneliness and fear after that decision. 

 

My future is so unclear

Will someone ever find me here

In my darkness and my pain?

Is there someone to fill what now lays empty?

Is there someone who

Can mend my deepest wounds

Stop the bleeding and the pain…

Turn my weeping heart up again

And fill it with a holy love

Is there joy?

Is there love?

…for me out there…

Is there a smile inside this frown?

Is there anyone who can paint my fading rainbow?

Is there a moment of gold?

Rainbow Maker,

Is there anyone for me,

Who will add color to my soul?

 

I learned so much in that time of being alone and facing my fear of never finding someone who would love me completely.  The biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to be able to love myself and believe that I was lovable.  I learned that a relationship, even a healthy one, wouldn’t be the answer.  I found healing and freedom from shame and unspeakable pain.  I found hope and love in Jesus.  I forgave and experienced release from hate, anger and confusion. I found strength to be fully myself, without hiding away any dark secrets. 

Love is worth the risk!  About a year after writing this poem a good friend of mine shared that he was attracted to me and wanted us to get to know one another more.  He asked me on a date.  I was so afraid.  What would happen when he found out about my past?  Would he be ashamed? 

He was worth the risk…

And he felt that I was too!

Saying “yes” to him my best “yes”.  Now it’s been 25 years of “us” learning and growing together.  We have seen beauty and strength come from the most weak and painful parts of our lives.  He has loved me on my journey of healing from trauma and abuse.  His love has strengthened me and given me boldness to be a voice of hope to others who suffer from trauma. 

I read this poem now, and remember the pain of that season of my life.  I read the questions and I know the answers were not so simple.  Yes, there is love and joy and color for the hurting and dead places.  But it is not found in any one person…. Not in the way I thought at least.  First, I received love from God.  That love healed my deepest wounds and taught me how to feel worthy of love, and how to begin to love myself.  It was only then that I was able to receive love from others. 

I found that I was worth it!